Another one bites the dust (sorta)

I never thought I'd see the day when the company's biggest advocate would be leaving before me. Dang, he's one very lucky dog! I hope that advocate will be happier advocating that other company.

Me, on the other hand, while sharing the joy of Advocate's fortune, is commiserating our new team condition. If we were battered this year, we expect next year to be even more abusive. It doesn't help that we're starting the new year with muted morale. Come to think of it, I started my odyssey with this unit in pretty much the same condition - low morale and lacking in people. How long will this last?

In a way, the Advocate's exit confirms how messed up things are... to an extent. It sorta validates my jump-out-my-skin feeling the whole year round. Hopefully, the new year would produce new opportunities. I look forward to them most eagerly.

Just plain bad luck...

I should be excited at the prospect of frequent travel. That's kinda what I was looking for to spice up my life and expand my world.

This month has a heckuvalot of that. Travel, travel, travel. But I can't enjoy a single trip, all because I'm getting sick. The spirit may be willing to travel, but the body has the bad luck to feel weak. It makes the whole thing uncomfortable.

I just arrived from CDO-Cebu trip Friday night. It will be my first time to travel to Singapore, and my flight is in just 14 more hours. And all along, I have been in pain (still am too) and feeling lightheaded some of the time. To think, I'm still gonna fly in this condition to Cebu next week after I return from Singapore. This just blows. I really deserve a vacation after all this, if only to recover.

Freaky piece of paper

First, the ID came. It got me worried.

Now the contract has come, and I'm really freaked out.

There are times when I thought I could handle the it alone, but most of the time, I can't help but feel more "alone" than "handling it." There just isn't enough knowledge and experience to support the expectations put upon it.

And the contract... well, I'd love to tear it up, but too many voices are screaming against it. I resent it, knowing that the voices are indeed right. But it all feels so wrong... like I'm going to write on it with my blood.I feel so screwed. Can I get hit with lightning right now? Really. I want to get this done and over.

Frustrated Sighs of Exaustion

In my more than 3 years of working in the real world, I've never truly understood the term "dead-tired" till now. This isn't a comforting kind of tired - the kind that you would flop onto bed and drop off to sleep in an instant. This isn't an exhausted kind of tired - the kind that you are happy enough to sneak in a 10-minute power nap.

I've gone beyond that when I can't even enjoy power naps, because I can't even frickking fall asleep. This is not a happy kind of tired at all. So tired that I sleep late, wake up 3 hours later, and can't go back to sleep. Dizzy, woozy am I. I can't tell whether I will just topple over or slink down into a mushy heap.

I don't want to think. I'm too tired to rant out loud. I'm too tired to eat. I'm too tired to smile.

I don't wanna be cheery either. I just wanna be apathetic. To heck with niceties, they waste so much time and energy. I want to speak my mind without the euphemisms.

I don't want to me at all right now. I wish I were someone else somewhere else somehow, preferably in a better place. But no, I'm stuck being me. Me the cow. Yeah, on top of this, I feel like a cow. A dead-tired cow. Moo.

I just want to find my zen path to my happy place. I probably need a massage. A good, deep massage. And lots of fresh hot tea.

But before that, I have to go home. Maybe sleep. Or die trying.

I'm so dead-tired. *sigh* Signing off.

about muppet central

The most amazing, happiest find I ever made in one of my lowest of moments is this! I virtually had muppets for breakfast and snacks while growing up in the 80s. Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, Fraggle Rock, Muppet Babies... I've seen them all! Not only were they entertaining and musical, they were really funny! Who needs babysitters when you've got the muppets?

Unlike the anime and the cartoons that we see today, these shows did not have to rely on much special effects and hyperboles. The real charm of the muppet shows lie in their humorous wit and creativity. Sure, they can lay it thick on the sarcasm, but hey, it didn't hurt or deprecate anyone. And who can forget their songs? From the educational songs of Sesame Street to the fanciful theme songs of the various creatures in the Muppet Show, each showed a flair for the musicale and the fancy. Remember the hilarious Manah Manah?
Speaking of music, did I mention this site had an online radio? Yes, indeed-y they do! For the past hour or so, I have been ebbing in and out of blissful waves of nostalgic tunes... and the best part it is all of them are MUPPET TUNES! WOOHOO!

For that most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational ear-candy experience back from your childhood days, check out www.muppetcentral.com and log into their radio station!

Killing the spontaneity of Christmas

This should have been a topic of interest last month, but doing so would have been "spontaneous," and would have contradicted this post.

Christmas is really for kids. For believing in snow and Santa Claus. For indulging screaming laughter and splitting waistlines. For fun and frivolity. For funky dress codes and weird hair styles. In a word, Christmas is spontaneous, or supposed to be.

In my childhood days, I believed wholly in the spirit of Christmas. I loved to hear Christmas carols. My eyes twinkled with every glance at the lighted Christmas tree. Time danced before me, because waiting for Santa's presents sent shivers of anticipation down my spine. And the highlight of every Christmas season is ripping open presents with abandon and excitement. It was fun. Because it was spontaneous.

Then I hit the 'age of reason.' It's no specific age really; it has no number. But when it hits you, Christmas loses some of its sparkle. Presents lose their seductive appeal. The food looks the same as it did last Christmas. Christmas carols seem old and repetitive. You're more absorbed in navigating your relatives more than collecting presents from them. Everything moves so fast that you wonder how you ever enjoyed a Christmas holiday. And ripping presents open has evolved to the refined style of peeling them open. It is orderly. (My new word for "unnecessarily complex and boring," btw. Inspired by a parental unit. Sigh.) So much for fun and spontaneity.

The epitome of 'Christmas in the age of reason' happens yearly not in December during the Christmas season, but in January (or worse, in February) after the Christmas season. Because one parental unit demands that opening gifts should be 'orderly' (please note my personal definition above), the stage has to be set in order to carefully document such a momentous occasion. First and most important prop to prepare is the video camera, for without it, the gift opening event will not be made possible. Next is the atmosphere - mellow Christmas carol, proper lighting to get a clear visual of surroundings and presents, the be-decked Christmas tree complete with Christmas presents neatly arranged underneath. Next are proper placements, chairs, props, and positions of everyone must be in full and clear view of the video camera. Finally, there is the script everyone more or less follows: "This is a gift from [mention source of present], and it's a [open wrapper at this point, and state object inside wrapper]! [Have option to state positive ONLY comments] Thank you!" Part of the script is to smile and enthuse. Since I'm a bad actress, that part is difficult for me to do, unless under extreme duress from the parental kind. Damn, I really perform here.

Generally, this annual ceremony has desensitized my enthusiasm for Christmas. If I ever have kids, I'm not going to impose this kind of 'orderliness' on them, especially when it's Christmas time. Christmas should always retain part of its magic, and I want to keep it alive as long as I can, be it in the heart of a kid or the heart of the child-like. May Christmas always be simple, fun, spontaneous, and exhilarating!

Last post of the year

I want to end this year on a happy note. Learned quite a lot, earned my share of pleasure and pain, gritted against my frustrations, remembered my achievements fondly, laughed more, cried a bit, but on the overall I discovered (or uncovered?) more stuff about myself and my place in this world. Despite all this, I feel there is still more waiting for me out there, and I look toward it with a mix of trepidation and enthusiasm.

I've tried expanding my horizon this year, meaning more activities, more people, more exploration, more dynamism. Got into Ultimate, zips, work-related travel, pen-and-paper RPGs, (newfound enthusiasm for) shopping and pampering, and of course, blogging. There could be more, but I can't remember at the moment. They have enriched my life, and some have surprised me in the sense that they revealed a side of me that I didn't think I was suited for. (I was talking about shopping and pampering here. I mean, I wouldn't have thought that I would learn to love spa and facial treatments. Used to think these things were things of vanity, but really they're not. Never realised these things could make you feel so relaxed and generally good about yourself.)

While exploring is good and all, I realised that I never pursued them with a passion. I asked my friend, Crissa, what could shock her about me. She told me that since I had a wide variety of interests, she wouldn't be surprised if I tried something unconventional, like dying my hair blue. (But then again, I've always been talking to her about that for a looong time. Too bad I haven't done it yet - successfully.) She did suggest later on that I pursue something passionately, through and through; to focus on one thing to maybe competitive levels. I guess she's right, so this coming year, maybe I will try to channel my energies into one activity/ hobby. Since I've been feeling restless, I think it will be a physical activity - maybe Ultimate, zips, yoga, or combat arts. Damn, so much to choose from. >.< style="color: rgb(255, 255, 0); font-weight: bold;">MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! Till next time. ;)

A Paradox of Growing Up

I'm going to turn 25 next year. I've learned that it's an age just as confusing and exciting as adolescence. You know, quarter-life crisis. It's a period when you're in between clinging to whatever remnants of childhood remains and accepting your place in the world as an official adult. I'm not yet sure I want to be an adult, because I'm having so much fun being a kid. Yes, I am old enough to earn my own money, but I can spend my my money any way I want without having to fulfill any obligations. I am selfish and carefree, and loving it. This is my time, and I will do things my own way.

For a long time, I've been rebelling against growing up and all its responsibilities and complexities. I like to play video games, and occasionally, sports. I stay up late. I pamper myself with luxury foods like waffles, gourmet sandwiches, and flavored coffees. I learned drinking liquor is actually fun (provided you've got the right people around you). I dress casually often - jeans + shirt. I usually shop for only me. I indulge myself a lot - as long as I have the purchasing power to do it.

But now, the signs of growing up, the signs of adulthood are showing. And each time they do, I do find myself shocked as well as fascinated. I feel at once elated and sad - elated because this is a new experience, but sad because it means I won't be able to go back. Every inch closer to adulthood means a path back to childhood gets narrower and narrower. It's like experiencing your first crush. The feeling alone is mind-blowingly pleasant and exciting, but it also means you can't go back to looking at the opposite sex the same way as you did when you were a kid. Though I'm glad to have felt this, I mourn for days when I could have done well without it.

The good thing about growing up is you finally understand more things, you gain new realizations, and you learn new things. That in itself is a novelty and is rarely repeated. For me, it's those firsts like commuting, using makeup, shopping for clothes, talking to different people (even strangers), etc. There are moments when I get those "so now I know how they feel" or "so that's is what it's like" thoughts. Bittersweet moments are these realizations, because I know I have stepped forward somehow, and I cannot step back.

What am I turning into now? I'm not even sure myself, but I actually feel glad I'm changing. It means I'm still alive. It means this world is still alive with me. It just sucks sometimes when the course of life forces you to change, to grow older, to act your age. I don't want to think about the future, but I have to. I don't want to care for another person (other than myself), but it happened and I can't stop it. I don't want to grow up, but I can't prevent it. I might as well enjoy the ride towards growing, but still some sadness lingers in the back of my head. Maybe I'm having the Peter Pan complex. Maybe a lot of us are. Life will keep moving on, and us with it. But damn, I wish it would take its time.

...

Oh, and on the side, I often wonder if my life could stop before I hit mid-life crisis. I've even thought about taking up dangerous activities like skydiving or maybe bungee jumping to up the chances of that happening. It's funny, because the answer to this blogthing quiz appropriately mirrors my sentiments on growing up:

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Damnation to Procrastination

Music - Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope album
Mood - dour, anxious, stressed

Dammit! It's happening again. I have another report to make, and I'm taking my sweet time finishing it. The damnable thing about this little quirk of mine is that the report is due in few hours, and I'm estimating that I'm 50% done. ^@#%&*! Thinking about this report is killing me so much that I have been seriously been contemplating of quitting my job and finding a less mentally taxing one.

This is my job: talking and listening to people rant and rave about their lives. 'Yes Ma'am, I hear your life sucks because you got married with kids earlier than you intended, but we're not here to talk about that. I want to know why you liked this particular product.' Then I distill all those voices into a written report. And to make sure that any verbally challenged Gaston-like client (a.k.a. the pseudo-hotshot who deludes himself that he knows everything) gets my point, I put in a lot of pictures in the report.

But this is the clincher: I'm at the bottom of the corporate ladder, which makes me a loser. While I do most, if not all, the work, my boss gets the credit. And lately, I get the crawling suspicion that my boss doesn't trust me with more advanced responsibilities. I feel insulted actually. The only reason why I haven't quit a long time ago is because my dad told me that my only job at the bottom is support the top (i.e. make the boss look good in front of his boss), because I'll eventually get to my boss's position soon enough. That advice is wearing too thin for me. I show passion and enthusiasm for my work, I even bring it home with me. I aim for flawless execution to the littlest detail, but few take notice. And the few that take notice don't have any clout in the company. I maintain friendly relations with all my co-workers, but apparently, they prefer the hugs-and-snuggles type than professional camaraderie. To sum it all up, I'm probably a loser all the same as when I first joined the company. I felt I have changed and grown so much since I first started. Why can't they see that? I don't want to be brazen and point out to my boss my achievements. But the way things are going and how I feel about it, it looks like I must resort to this or quit.

I think quitting is my better option. I don't want a job that forces me to do homework; it's sucking the fun out of my life. With a master's degree in hand, I deserve better work. Not here, though. There are more opportunities to look to overseas. And I get the chance to start on a new slate, without having to contend with a culture that I don't feel affinity to. (Even though I've been in the Philippines for more than 10 years already, I am more puzzled and sometimes even rebellious rather than accepting of many aspects of Filipino culture.) I think it's now a good time for me to go beyond my comfort zone and look to greener pastures.

I used to be afraid to graze on greener pastures because I didn't think I was worthy enough. Now I am. I am the golden cow, dammit! I deserve to graze there, and I'm willing to jump over the fence to get there. I'm ready dude, hear me MOO!

Okay, I procrastinated long enough. And I feel better now that my frustrations are now out in the open. And so now, I Begin to Hope for better things to come...

On the 9th day, there was light

It's been three days now since we power has resumed at home. THANK GOD!

I've been lapping up the experience of sleeping in a warm, fluffy bed without sweating or swatting some imaginary mosquito. I've been logging in 10 hours of sleep per day during the weekend - the longest I've had in a long time. Warm showers are back. The comfort of white noise - whirring fans, the drone of the TV report - has returned. Everything is back to normal. *sigh*

When Typhoon Milenyo landed in Manila, I was heading home from Pampanga. I arrived to see Manila turned into a warzone - plunged in darkness and debris everywhere. It was eerie. Only a week before, everything was sunny and bustling. Now, it was dark and confusing.

DAY 1
I arrived in Manila, Thursday night. Only a few bright beacons of light shone from small gas stations and convenience stores. Even the malls' lights were strangely muted. Almost the entire city was black, and I went home praying that it was spared from the blackout. Apparently, divine intervention does not extend to my home. It was out of light and running on candle power. I went to sleep thinking that maybe going to office will give me a reprieve from the heat and darkness.

DAY 2
All classes and work are suspended for the day. WTF?!? Normally, I'd leap for joy and spend the whole day with the PC, but no power still and no fun to be had. I had to get out of the house, or I'd go crazy of the boredom. Went to Greenhills to meet Crissa and Jayca. (I am amazed that Promenade Mall is still freezing cold despite being run on generators.) Later, went from mall to mall. Didnt care where I was going, as long as it isn't my DARK, POWER-LESS home.

DAY 3
It was Saturday. First place I went to was the office - just to get my phone charged. (The wonderful thing with my W800 phone is its long battery life! And during these emergency sitches, it's greatly appreciated. I had it fully charged on Thursday, and it was still hanging on to dear life on Saturday. Oh, how I love my phone!) Riza wanted to get her eyebrows threaded... a well-deserved pampering oh her part. I got one too, thinking I needed the pampering after all the stress of having no power. Anyway, spent the rest of the day in the Podium, just to enjoy the cold air and a little shopping (good thing Podium stores are on sale mode, eh?). Returned home at 11pm. Power was restored to neighbouring streets, wont be long before ours comes back. Went to sleep feeling somewhat optimistic.

DAY 4
Sunday. The worst day of this weeklong tragedy. What's worse than having no power and nothing to do? It's having no power, nothing to do, AND no car to get you outta there! Our car had the supreme good timing of conking out on us, because its alternator gave way (or at least that is what the mechanic told us). This is nuts. Is this bad karma? What did we do to deserve this? I was sure I was nice to everyone in the past few weeks.

Wait, I just remembered... this gets worse. This day absolutely sucks because we have no power, we have nothing to do, we have no car to get us outta there, AND you get invaded by giant ants... AT NIGHT, WHEN THERE IS NO LIGHT! ARGGGHHHH!!! That was a nightmarish night. We came home from picking up dinner from a nearby resto (Jade Palace - Chinese place along Shaw Blvd. with decent dimsum). I placed the food in the kitchen, when I felt this crawling sensation on my leg. I stomped hard to kinda flick it off. Then, I got this paranoid feeling that I wasn't alone in the kitchen. I pointed my flashlight to the floor. It was like looking at a ant-y wallpaper, AND THEY WERE EVERYWHERE - the kitchen, the front area, the living room, the dining room. These aren't your ordinay household ants; these were 1/2 inch long wood ants! I don't know what it was like to be bitten by them, nor do I want to know. Spent the next 3 or more hours stomping and burning ants. DIE ANTS DIE!!! Needless to say, sleep that night was unpleasant. Often drifted in and out of sleep, just to flash a light and check if any of them ants had invaded my bed.

DAY 5
Monday. I've never been gladder for a Monday than this. Got to feel the cold air of the AC on my face, light on my head, whirring sounds everywhere, AND NO ANTS! WOOT! Proof that life still goes on. Spent the whole day ranting to my officemates of my miserable Sunday night. Went home 10pm. Light still hasn't reached my side of the barangay. WTH is taking Meralco so long? All they need to do is fix the frikking post and re-connect the frickking wires! I mean, the neighbours had already removed the fallen trees from the area. Half the job was already done for the Meralco people! Rant, rant, rant...

Still saw a few wood ants and killed them, but at least they weren't the horde I saw yesterday.

DAY 6
Feeling a whole lot better after the rant. Actually felt damn cheerful today, but I can't tell if all the giggling came from being happy or being miserable. Lost hope that Meralco will ever come within the week. They're slow and overworked. And they are taking their frickking sweet time getting HERE! Grr... and the rant goes on.

DAY 7
I am beginning to accept my situation, and react to it more cheerfully. I must be going crazy, but hey, I will ride this wave of liveliness as long as it runs. Candles, batteries, and rechargeable lamps are all selling like hotcakes. If we managed to get any of the three, we were certainly lucky (or stupid to buy it at such a high price, urk!).

DAY 8
Still no light... it must be at the end of the tunnel. And as if to seal our neanderthal-like state, my mom bought a charcoal-powered (seems oxymoronic to me) clothes iron/ press. LOL! Incidentally, this is also the 8th day in a row we've had fast food dinners. INC, super-sized me. Oh no!

DAY 9
Woke up this Friday morning and still no light, still no fan. Meralco finally made its presence felt in our neighbourhood, and by night time, we finally had power. By this time, I ran out of steam, and I actually felt grateful more than angry that the power has finally been restored. TGIF! I will have no problem enjoying the weekend.

I'm glad this whole Milenyo ordeal is over. Never do I want to go through the whole thing again... or if it does, hopefully there won't be any ants in it. Brrr!


And back to our previous program...

Little regrets and small aspirations

WIsh I had this on my Word document right now. Procrastinated last week, and now reaping punishment BIG TIME!

Like any other writer, I needed inspiration to write down my thoughts, my ideas, my very soul. Nah, I needed an excuse not to write my report. It is so absolutely boring. I mean market research is interesting and cool. (Why? Because I feel like a god reading people's minds and predicting what they will say and do. Hehe.) BUT PLEASE, give me something that captures my interest! I'm looking for spice and zest; not pain and whining. My own life has enough of that. (I'm whining here, aren't I? Oh well.)

I've also learned that I'm somewhat predictable, or maybe I know myself too well. Very few of what people say about me suprises me, and I'm disappointed. Maybe I was looking for something that would distinguish me from me. Huh? Was that right? Lol. Oh, well. Here's your chance to prove me wrong. If you think you know me a little bit well (another contradiction here, but one I'm willing to pass), click this: Window to Myself, and answer what you can. Don't worry; it's no big I.Q. test or something like that.

If there's anything I want to develop as a writer, it's to write something that won't make me sound too robotic and make the reader (that's you) feel like an idiot loser. "..." Looks like I failed here... maybe. Bah, I'll make it up in my next blog post.

Till next time.

Boredom rears its ugly head

Wee, new blog post! Blogging is getting easier with each new blog I post. And because I hate to repeat myself more than twice, click HERE. This leads to my other blog entry; actually my FIRST (maybe, second... uh, whatever) blog entry.

[corny]
I'd like to dedicate this blog to my officemates: Jasmine, Misty, Karla, Riza, and Darwin for being present in the office as I type up this blog. They would certainly find it amiss if they did not find their names mentioned here. *wickedly laughs*
[/corny]

That little plug was inspired by Misty, hehe. The sitch is that all of us here (that's left in Quali) got kinda bored, and we started sharing each other's blogs. Misty's blog was especially interesting to Riza and Jasmine, coz Misty mistakenly omitted their names when she thanked people who she works with in Quali. Of course, Riza and Jasmine wouldn't let Misty live it down without a little comment to her blogsite. Something like, "Hi Misty. We're your officemates, Riza and Jasmine. We sit next you, and you missed us, blah..." Lol!

...

I'm still bored. I don't like making my report. It's not exciting.

And there's no Relic session tonight. Not exciting. Need to Wow.

Right. I'm going home. NOW.