A Paradox of Growing Up

I'm going to turn 25 next year. I've learned that it's an age just as confusing and exciting as adolescence. You know, quarter-life crisis. It's a period when you're in between clinging to whatever remnants of childhood remains and accepting your place in the world as an official adult. I'm not yet sure I want to be an adult, because I'm having so much fun being a kid. Yes, I am old enough to earn my own money, but I can spend my my money any way I want without having to fulfill any obligations. I am selfish and carefree, and loving it. This is my time, and I will do things my own way.

For a long time, I've been rebelling against growing up and all its responsibilities and complexities. I like to play video games, and occasionally, sports. I stay up late. I pamper myself with luxury foods like waffles, gourmet sandwiches, and flavored coffees. I learned drinking liquor is actually fun (provided you've got the right people around you). I dress casually often - jeans + shirt. I usually shop for only me. I indulge myself a lot - as long as I have the purchasing power to do it.

But now, the signs of growing up, the signs of adulthood are showing. And each time they do, I do find myself shocked as well as fascinated. I feel at once elated and sad - elated because this is a new experience, but sad because it means I won't be able to go back. Every inch closer to adulthood means a path back to childhood gets narrower and narrower. It's like experiencing your first crush. The feeling alone is mind-blowingly pleasant and exciting, but it also means you can't go back to looking at the opposite sex the same way as you did when you were a kid. Though I'm glad to have felt this, I mourn for days when I could have done well without it.

The good thing about growing up is you finally understand more things, you gain new realizations, and you learn new things. That in itself is a novelty and is rarely repeated. For me, it's those firsts like commuting, using makeup, shopping for clothes, talking to different people (even strangers), etc. There are moments when I get those "so now I know how they feel" or "so that's is what it's like" thoughts. Bittersweet moments are these realizations, because I know I have stepped forward somehow, and I cannot step back.

What am I turning into now? I'm not even sure myself, but I actually feel glad I'm changing. It means I'm still alive. It means this world is still alive with me. It just sucks sometimes when the course of life forces you to change, to grow older, to act your age. I don't want to think about the future, but I have to. I don't want to care for another person (other than myself), but it happened and I can't stop it. I don't want to grow up, but I can't prevent it. I might as well enjoy the ride towards growing, but still some sadness lingers in the back of my head. Maybe I'm having the Peter Pan complex. Maybe a lot of us are. Life will keep moving on, and us with it. But damn, I wish it would take its time.

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Oh, and on the side, I often wonder if my life could stop before I hit mid-life crisis. I've even thought about taking up dangerous activities like skydiving or maybe bungee jumping to up the chances of that happening. It's funny, because the answer to this blogthing quiz appropriately mirrors my sentiments on growing up:

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?