Damnation to Procrastination

Music - Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope album
Mood - dour, anxious, stressed

Dammit! It's happening again. I have another report to make, and I'm taking my sweet time finishing it. The damnable thing about this little quirk of mine is that the report is due in few hours, and I'm estimating that I'm 50% done. ^@#%&*! Thinking about this report is killing me so much that I have been seriously been contemplating of quitting my job and finding a less mentally taxing one.

This is my job: talking and listening to people rant and rave about their lives. 'Yes Ma'am, I hear your life sucks because you got married with kids earlier than you intended, but we're not here to talk about that. I want to know why you liked this particular product.' Then I distill all those voices into a written report. And to make sure that any verbally challenged Gaston-like client (a.k.a. the pseudo-hotshot who deludes himself that he knows everything) gets my point, I put in a lot of pictures in the report.

But this is the clincher: I'm at the bottom of the corporate ladder, which makes me a loser. While I do most, if not all, the work, my boss gets the credit. And lately, I get the crawling suspicion that my boss doesn't trust me with more advanced responsibilities. I feel insulted actually. The only reason why I haven't quit a long time ago is because my dad told me that my only job at the bottom is support the top (i.e. make the boss look good in front of his boss), because I'll eventually get to my boss's position soon enough. That advice is wearing too thin for me. I show passion and enthusiasm for my work, I even bring it home with me. I aim for flawless execution to the littlest detail, but few take notice. And the few that take notice don't have any clout in the company. I maintain friendly relations with all my co-workers, but apparently, they prefer the hugs-and-snuggles type than professional camaraderie. To sum it all up, I'm probably a loser all the same as when I first joined the company. I felt I have changed and grown so much since I first started. Why can't they see that? I don't want to be brazen and point out to my boss my achievements. But the way things are going and how I feel about it, it looks like I must resort to this or quit.

I think quitting is my better option. I don't want a job that forces me to do homework; it's sucking the fun out of my life. With a master's degree in hand, I deserve better work. Not here, though. There are more opportunities to look to overseas. And I get the chance to start on a new slate, without having to contend with a culture that I don't feel affinity to. (Even though I've been in the Philippines for more than 10 years already, I am more puzzled and sometimes even rebellious rather than accepting of many aspects of Filipino culture.) I think it's now a good time for me to go beyond my comfort zone and look to greener pastures.

I used to be afraid to graze on greener pastures because I didn't think I was worthy enough. Now I am. I am the golden cow, dammit! I deserve to graze there, and I'm willing to jump over the fence to get there. I'm ready dude, hear me MOO!

Okay, I procrastinated long enough. And I feel better now that my frustrations are now out in the open. And so now, I Begin to Hope for better things to come...